Friday, June 22, 2012

About Commitment...

WOW! It's been 2 years since my last post. One reason I stopped writing was that I had this stupid idea that people will perceive me as vulnerable, so I just wrote for myslef some notes. 

A lot of things happened since 2 years ago. But now I would like to write about my last experience as Congress Committee VP for Delegate Servicing at Global Leaders' Summit Hungary 2012. 

I was very confident when I applied and then very excited about the whole year ahead of us as a core team. I was supposed to have an internship while working for the conference. Thank God that didn't happen, cuz maybe now I would still be in Budapest.

Ok, regarding commitment. It is one of my strengths. And by accepting this role, I was also committing to a one-year position for the first time. I wanted to see if I can live up to the challenge.

Why was it challenging? First of all, because I was living with my parents again, after 3.5 years of living on my own. Because I had nothing happening in my life at that time besides this "job", which for the first half of the term I was barely doing something, virtually, which gave me the feeling of being useless. With this a lot of questions pop into your mind like: "Is this really worth it?'. And then I realized something: you can never figure out if it's worth it or not along the way, but at the end of the experience, when you draw the line. And then every experience, good or bad, comes with a lot of learning points.

Things were spicing up when I got an internship offer, which according to the JD was the job of my dreams. And then again, you start putting everything in the balance: Should I stick to the one-year commitment I took which barely offers me anything both professional and personal or should I just take the internship which would give me so much on the professional side (I can't guarantee for personal)?

Personally speaking, it was damn hard. I wasn't expecting much, but I was given nothing. Nothing at all. I wasn't expecting for anyone to pick me up at 3 am in a frozen night of March at minus 15 degrees  (when I had to wait for an hour for the bus station to be opened, so I can sleep there until 8, when I met one of my team-mates). I wasn't expecting to take a trip of around 15 hours to present a roll-call in front of a plenary and that is all. I wasn't expecting that if I had to stay in Budapest for a week, I was promised accommodation only for 2 nights. I wasn't expecting people to be super friendly at the beginning. I wasn't expecting for my team-mates to trust me right-away. But I did expect them to trust me after few months, I did expect them to care more than the work and the general things. I did expect them to understand that in order to be present, I need more cooperation. I did expect them to speak more English. I did expect them to appreciate my flexibility and not push it to the limits. I may have not lived up to the expectations at all, but I did expect few lines about my work at the end, even if those were meaningless.

So yes, I did commit, while not receiving much, personally or professionally. Cuz I convinced my self that "in the end it will definitely be worth it". But in the end, I was given more slaps, instead of hand shakes. So, there's another question popping into my mind: "Have I lost one year of my life for nothing?". For sure not. I learned a lot. I learned to be more diplomatic, to not let my emotions out that easily, to be more selective with people I choose to spend my time with, to have a clue if it's worth to invest or not my time.

But in the end, I think that it was just about that incompatibility between the 2 "entities". Regardless the flexibility or tolerance, it was just not working.

Another lesson is about when you learn to say STOP! Because in this case, I did stick to the commitment, but no "entity" was happy. But you can live with it, on the professional side. On personal side, it's another story.

The commitment I took was to myself, in the first place, and afterwards for the conference. So I think I didn't want to break this "self-commitment". 

I am not expecting pink unicorns to fly around in my life all the time, because there will be no lessons to learn and no posts to write after 2 years.