Saturday, March 16, 2013

Letting Go

Feels good. Feels damn good to finally let go of all the things that stopped me from truly appreciating my life in Paris. It's true that time heals (almost) everything. And another Facebook quote is also true: "If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living the present!".

So yeah, I accepted the past and learned from it. I hope it did not damage me too much. I guess this the most challenging part, to not let the past destroy who you really are. But I think that the core characteristics of one can never be changed.

I decided to make Paris my home. Took me a while. It wasn't in my plans to move here, but it was the first opportunity I had, so I just grabbed it, without even thinking about it. This is something that I didn't change: to say "Yes" without knowing exactly what that means. That would include to move in another country or to do something I have no idea of how it would end up. I wasn't scared at all. There are few things that scare me, actually. I guess it comes with age and/or experience. :) And most of the times just saying "Yes" to something new, ended up being a cool and meaningful experience or at least an experience I learned a lot from. So I will not change "saying yes to something if I feel like". Because it makes me feel alive and makes me feel I am taking advantage of every moment. And life would be super boring without feeling alive.

The first months of living in a country where you don't speak the language are the hardest ones. I was expecting them to be hard and after all they weren't so hard, maybe just because I was expecting them to be hard or maybe because it wasn't the first time to move in another country and start over. Starting over is not easy, but step-by-step becomes easy. And then you realize you got over it and made a living in that place.

I love my tiny flat. I love that I live alone, even though I like having people around me all the time. It was exactly what I needed. To be alone, to manage on my own, which is so important for me, to think, to analyse, to cry, to laugh, to talk to myself, to laugh at myself, to swear if I feel like, to wake up early, to sleep, to run for the metro and the train, to read blogs, articles and books, to watch stupid videos, to check out old & new photos, to watch my favourite series, to listen to a certain song over and over again until I get bored of it, to go for groceries in the morning, to tell the Romanian beggars in Romanian that I don't have money (read: I don't want to give you money), to realize what makes me happy, to be angry at myself, to be proud of what I did up until now, to criticize everything, to appreciate the small things, at the same time, to not give a f*ck, to care about small things, to discover myself. Indeed these months were about re-discovering myself, as I thought I didn't know how I am anymore. And that was because "I did let people turn my sky into a ceiling", which I will never ever let again.

It's wasn't an easy process, but I had to be patient. Patient with myself, in order to find that peace. And indeed you find that peace after letting go and accept that there are things you can control and things you can't. And life is about learning constantly how to control/manage better the things you can actually control and take things the way they are if they cannot be controlled/changed.

I met a stranger that asked me if I am looking for freedom. And I instantly answered: "I am free!". And damn, it feels good. Not having any strings attached. I loved the look that person gave me. It was a connection I haven't felt in one year. And I loved the conversation we had. Very direct.

So yes, I will make/am making Paris my home. And I will learn/am learning French. Even though my Paris is not about Tour Eiffel and boat rides on La Seine, but about dirt, beggars, grocery store, my flat, metro, train and the run in between. But it's about going out and having fun at the same time and discovering Paris and discovering what makes me happy and doing those things. So yeah, it feels good to be free to do whatever I want. Because I chose to. In the end, it's a matter of choice. And it feels damn good to have the freedom to chose whatever you want and in the end to actually do those things! :)

Sunday, February 17, 2013

What about her?

There was this episode in one of the early seasons of Grey's Anatomy where there was a train crash and one woman and one man had a pole that struck through their bodies and they were "trapped" by the pole. In order to save one of them they had to sacrifice the other, so they chose the one that has less internal damages. So they chose to save the man. When they separated them the doctors started to operate on the man and they didn't even try to do anything for the woman, since they knew she will die. Meredith started to scream then.. "What about her?", "What about her?".

I feel like that poor woman at the moment, especially this time of the year. Moving to have an internship in Paris, wasn't my dream. At least for the moment. My dream had a different path. A beautiful one. And I put all my energy into achieving it. And I was stopped on the way. Not only stopped, but dragged into the mud and was hit so hard, so I would never have the chance to ever walk on that path. Why? Because of such a huge ego that could not take others' opinion & perspective and needed to show that the ego is the one with the last word. I was unfortunate enough to align myself with this kind of people. Or I wasn't smart enough in the first place to when making the choice.

Anyways, all in all, I was not the only one that was treated unfairly. But today, justice was done for the other person. But still... for me, it will never be done. At the same time I appreciate the fact that I'm in Paris, having an internship and a life here. I think I would have gone mad without this. But still this affects me. A lot. Because taking and ripping a dream from someone is the worst one can do. And I could have never imagined that there are people or leaders in AIESEC that would do anything to take your dream away, just because of a stupid ego. Actually those cannot be named leaders. Leaders encourage, develop and enable their teams and members to go as far as never seen before. It's devastating and depressing to see that nothing can be done and your biggest and strongest dream was teared apart. It destroyed every piece of me.  And I will never forgive the one that took away AIESEC from me in the most ugly way possible. Because AIESEC meant a lot for me. And this kind of people with stupid ego affected my experience, my life. And what's even worse is that, that "stupid ego" has the power to affect other experiences and destroy the AIESEC brand, without even knowing the power of its decisions. And when I tried to make justice for myself no one has paid attention. Nobody cared. So, what about me? What about me?

But life goes on, no matter what. Yes, I am aware of that.