Saturday, March 16, 2013

Letting Go

Feels good. Feels damn good to finally let go of all the things that stopped me from truly appreciating my life in Paris. It's true that time heals (almost) everything. And another Facebook quote is also true: "If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living the present!".

So yeah, I accepted the past and learned from it. I hope it did not damage me too much. I guess this the most challenging part, to not let the past destroy who you really are. But I think that the core characteristics of one can never be changed.

I decided to make Paris my home. Took me a while. It wasn't in my plans to move here, but it was the first opportunity I had, so I just grabbed it, without even thinking about it. This is something that I didn't change: to say "Yes" without knowing exactly what that means. That would include to move in another country or to do something I have no idea of how it would end up. I wasn't scared at all. There are few things that scare me, actually. I guess it comes with age and/or experience. :) And most of the times just saying "Yes" to something new, ended up being a cool and meaningful experience or at least an experience I learned a lot from. So I will not change "saying yes to something if I feel like". Because it makes me feel alive and makes me feel I am taking advantage of every moment. And life would be super boring without feeling alive.

The first months of living in a country where you don't speak the language are the hardest ones. I was expecting them to be hard and after all they weren't so hard, maybe just because I was expecting them to be hard or maybe because it wasn't the first time to move in another country and start over. Starting over is not easy, but step-by-step becomes easy. And then you realize you got over it and made a living in that place.

I love my tiny flat. I love that I live alone, even though I like having people around me all the time. It was exactly what I needed. To be alone, to manage on my own, which is so important for me, to think, to analyse, to cry, to laugh, to talk to myself, to laugh at myself, to swear if I feel like, to wake up early, to sleep, to run for the metro and the train, to read blogs, articles and books, to watch stupid videos, to check out old & new photos, to watch my favourite series, to listen to a certain song over and over again until I get bored of it, to go for groceries in the morning, to tell the Romanian beggars in Romanian that I don't have money (read: I don't want to give you money), to realize what makes me happy, to be angry at myself, to be proud of what I did up until now, to criticize everything, to appreciate the small things, at the same time, to not give a f*ck, to care about small things, to discover myself. Indeed these months were about re-discovering myself, as I thought I didn't know how I am anymore. And that was because "I did let people turn my sky into a ceiling", which I will never ever let again.

It's wasn't an easy process, but I had to be patient. Patient with myself, in order to find that peace. And indeed you find that peace after letting go and accept that there are things you can control and things you can't. And life is about learning constantly how to control/manage better the things you can actually control and take things the way they are if they cannot be controlled/changed.

I met a stranger that asked me if I am looking for freedom. And I instantly answered: "I am free!". And damn, it feels good. Not having any strings attached. I loved the look that person gave me. It was a connection I haven't felt in one year. And I loved the conversation we had. Very direct.

So yes, I will make/am making Paris my home. And I will learn/am learning French. Even though my Paris is not about Tour Eiffel and boat rides on La Seine, but about dirt, beggars, grocery store, my flat, metro, train and the run in between. But it's about going out and having fun at the same time and discovering Paris and discovering what makes me happy and doing those things. So yeah, it feels good to be free to do whatever I want. Because I chose to. In the end, it's a matter of choice. And it feels damn good to have the freedom to chose whatever you want and in the end to actually do those things! :)